Saturday, April 18, 2009

Water, the nectar of the slim

I am not very good at picking accents. Honestly, I'll be able to pick up that they have an accent, but I can rarely pin it down to whichever country it originates from. I think that's probably a very terrible trait for an aspiring singer and I shall have to work on it. If somebody comes up to me and asks me a question with a Scottish brogue, I'll be sure to nudge Bec after it and say, "What a lovely, lilting Irish accent that was!" and then she'll take the piss. For hours.

However! There is a man who comes in to work and his accent reminds me of Leslie Nielson's accent from Dracula Dead And Loving It, so I am going to say that his accent is Transylvanian. It may only remind me of that because the customer in question looks like Dracula, but that is perhaps irrelevant. In any case, there is a man with a Transylvanian (we'll say) accent who comes in to work and frequently entertains me with his world views and flamboyant gestures. Previously a chef, he is now retired, and lives to annoy his wife (I imagine).

Recently, he came in and told me that he'd started losing 2kg a week merely by drinking water.

"Really!" said I. "Well, I'll have to up the water intake. I'm on a diet."

"ARE you!" he said, looking incredulous. (I know. I don't look like I've lost much. Shaddup.)

"Yes, I am," I said. "It's a long road."

"No, no, no, no, no, you know?" he said, with that Transylvanian (I'm convinced!) lilt. "Is not difficult, you know? You drink two litres of water a day!"

"Two," I repeated. (Mother has drummed this into me since I was... four.)

"Two!" he emphasised. "In fact, no. You are very big, very tall girl, you must drink three. Three litres of water a day!"

"Three!" Bugger that. I'll be peeing all day and all night long.

"Ja!" he said. "Three! And, you know, you avoid things like bread--"

"Oh," I whined.

"Pasta!" he warned.





"... What?"



"Very fatty, very fatty! I was a chef, I know these things! You avoid those and you let me know how you doing, okay!"

So that was a couple of weeks ago. Today, he comes in and says to me, while other customers are listening, "Have you lost any weight?" I had to laugh. From any other customer's perspective, he sounded bloody rude. "Awww," he admonished me. "More water!"

So I'm sucking down the water today, people. May it help my waistline, if not my bladder.

1 comment:

  1. I am almost convinced you lose weight by drinking more water because it... makes you full and therefore you feel too stuffed to eat??

    But wow. Peas (nasty buggers anyway) and corn (buttered, so good!). Never woulda thunk it.

    p/s Sorry, 'Scarlet' above is me. I posted with my Scarlet Ink Editing email by mistake and blogger fucked it all up so I deleted it!